Sunday, December 1, 2019

Build up

So! You know how things have a habit of building up in your brain, just waiting for the perfect moment to strike?
This is where I'm at right now.
That's not to say any of it is bad, These are just things Ive been putting off thinking about for a while.
To start
My youngest has moved out leaving me childless for the first time in 28 years.
Empty-nest syndrome is a thing folks!
On the one hand I'm thrilled she is venturing out into the world to make her own way in it, slightly less thrilled she moved in with her boyfriend. He's a lovely boy and  I love him to pieces and she needs a room mate BUT. Insert attack of the mommy "what if's" here.
On the other hand I miss my baby-girl! She's too young ( no she's 21, really Flora?) Now what do I do?

Apparently ferry My MIL around to do her shopping and various doctors as her health and fitness, doctor shopping and general care and maintenance, since she moved here from Chicago, has been taking up a lot of my time lately.
She needs a cardiologist and a dental surgeon and new glasses and, and, and.
I don't mind all this it just cut into my sewing time, as in I don't get much, anymore.
I have finished a bunch of hand work things, since I have been populating the waiting rooms of several different facilities lately And will probably finish a few more as we aren't done yet.

I am missing the long arm/quilt guild work but I haven't had the head space for it.
All in all not earth shattering things, just mess up my routine things.

Dad at the Lincoln park conservatory 1966
As everything is changing on me, pent up feelings about my dads death, 19 years ago, are roiling around my head.
He and my mother divorced when I was 2.  He went back to live in Lacrosse, mom and I stayed in Chicago and because of that, we weren't close. 
We were just starting to connect more after my children were born but I find myself sad that we didn't get to know each other better.
Since his death I have gotten to know that side of the family a little more. I correspond with my step-sister, one of my uncles and a couple of cousins fairly regularly.

What caught me off guard was not knowing that my father loved Gnomes at christmas time. Then I started to think of all the other things I didn't know about him, everyday simple things one should know about a parent, how he liked his steak, favorite color, season etc.
Dad & I 1986

I got sad for a while. Then I talked to my sea-star (step-sister) and we talked, Through her I am getting to know the kindhearted gentile man who was my dad.
Steak-rare, with a good scotch or an old-fashioned. Thanksgiving and Christmas, he was a sneaky present giver, Things hiding in/behind things.
He liked Jazz and classical music, the color blue and going for long rambling walk and talks.
I take solace in knowing all the things I missed out on, my sea-star got to enjoy because I wasn't there.

 At least someone loved him back the way I couldn't


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