I have worked on nothing

 I have worked on nothing

                                                For months

It's been a full week since the mango menace was replaced by calmer and saner governing but I am Still mentally exhausted. 

I have started a quilt project that I will finish but it is frustrating that it is taking me so long to get it together. Gathering the fabric took a month, design took another 2 weeks, I cut some of the fabric but now I need just a little more fabric and one more ruler (fuck) to finish cutting so I have started assembling what I have so far and I only seem to be able to concentrate on it for a few hours at a time.

I don't know about you all but this is pissing me off. Except that I really have nothing to be pissed off about. Which then confuses me and leads to hours of binge watching Mrs. Mazel and now I've run out of Mrs. Mazel. *Sigh*

Then I remember this is how I felt after I divorced my first husband. Well damn. 

If any of you are having this kind of reaction to life, You are not broken. Take a breath. 

Talking it all out helps. I know it makes you feel stupid because, really, just how much did the administration change our lives? I mean aside from the pandemic.

Find your quiet happy place and stop beating yourself up for not being productive.

You are feeling the after effects of having been in an abusive relationship. 

How's that? 

the last 4 years were an ever escalating circus of badness that none of us was able to get away from. Everywhere you turned, there it was, Breaking news of "Ohgodwhathashedonenow?" And it was all over the place, tv, radio, news feeds facebook, instagram, music radio, the corner store, word of mouth. You couldn't get away from it, It followed you, even if you unplugged! 

Ever increasing levels of anxiety, no matter what they are and how they affect one personally, raise the levels of hormones in the brain/body and when that stimuli is gone, tend to leave one in a state of exhaustion. When this pattern goes on for a sustained period of time, The brain/body gets used to that level of hormones. When something is removed and the level of hormones is dropped, it leaves one feeling fatigued for a period of time and recovery is required to return to a state of new normal.

No wonder some of us still feel fatigued.

So I take it out on myself, well I need to stop that and so do you all, if you are feeling the same way.

Please. 

 

Squirrel!

Seriously? How does this work? What is wrong with my brain, that this is the convoluted backwards way, that I think? This then take me hours to unravel. How did I get there? What triggered my need to understand this thing? This small random thing, that I ran across doing something totally else, but I then diverted my whole morning to trying to figure out. Not that it was a big loss, my morning consisted of coffee, email and browsing my various feeds.

Have you ever understood something deeply before you have even translated it?

This happens to me every once in a while. It's one of the things that frustrates me about my thought processes. How does my brain do this? How do I feel so drawn to something, I can't yet understand?

I think it comes from growing up in a trilingual house, mother spoke both german and french to me with some yiddish thrown in because why not? I also grew up in a Hispanic neighborhood in Chicago where you soak up enough of the language by osmosis but not enough to speak or totally understand it.

All this informs how I think and speaks to an enduring inability to concentrate on just one thing. That is my story and I am sticking to it. Its better than the alternative, which is, that I am an idiot.

Anyway,

I found this phrase scrolling through Instagram and immediately felt the need to translate it.

 "Warum ist das Naheliegende machmal so weit weg?"

                                                                            translation; "Why is the obvious sometimes so far away?"

Which then prompted this;

 

 

Trying to think coherent thoughts is sometimes difficult. 

they get splintered,  

                                they fly off like started birds,   

                                                                                    they skitter under the sink,

                                                                                                                                To get lost for days

Weeks, 

                                        Months, 

                                                                                                        Years...........

I try to think in a linear fashion, about a thing.

I try to thing deep thoughtful things, Analyzing them, how I feel, how........

.............

                                ...........

                                                        ..............nope,

                                                                                            it's gone.

I am easily distracted by the squirrels in my brain.

no words

I have no words, for any of this, I have plenty of feelings ranging from anger to deep despair. but no words